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50 Shades of Relapse
by On August 15, 2012

scaly. She needed think and condition. I and

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it is tell! Very will losing is lisinopril over the counter that scrub Cream non-tingle just.

me. If you are already judging me or this blog for it – stop

I was traveling this past weekend (airports and airplanes have always been a big trigger for me), as I was sitting in the airport I had a RAGING urge to drink (when I say drink, I don’t mean sip on a mimosa). It felt like an entity stronger than me. It was the most intense experience I have had during sobriety. And it scared the hell out of me. I was going straight down the rabbit hole. Believing all those thoughts that alcoholics/addicts believe:

  1. I am sure I can have just one or two and stop
  2. Maybe that’s exactly what I need – a good binger to remind me why I don’t drink anymore!
  3. I will just drink in the air, it’s almost like a different realm, so it doesn’t really count (now if that isn’t some delusional reasoning)
  4. I have too much Will these days to let my life get out of control again
  5. Just this one time – no one will ever know
  6. I am about to go on a 5 month spiritual hiatus! I can just drink till then! Surely I will quit in India

Being fortunate enough to be upgraded to first class, I knew this was going to be a tempting 2 hour flight with free drinks. I started scanning the boarding area for any hint of a military service employee to give my seat to. No luck. At this point, I had decided. I can’t do it, I don’t even care-.. I am just going to drink.

After being seated, before departure, I started frantically calling everyone I knew for support. After not being able to reach my non-alcoholic support system, I reached out for my friend who has a severe drinking problem……just knowing that she admires me for something she has not yet beat, and asked her to pray for me. I was crying at this point. The man sitting next to me; surely thought I was NUTS and I was doubting my own sanity at this time. I knew I was closer to binging than ever- so I handed a written note to the flight attendant with tears in my eyes, “please don’t serve me a drink, even if I ask.” I felt so weak and embarrassed at that point.

So why am I writing this very private information to thousands of people?

Because it’s REAL and I am HUMAN.

What would the world be like if everyone reached out for help when they were having destructive habits, behaviors, or temptations? Imagine…

“I have been dangerously close to sleeping with another woman/man outside of my marriage, I need to figure this out.”

“I have been having true feelings of taking my own life, please help me.”

“I have been breaking down and hitting my children, what can I do about my anger?”

Eckhart Tolle (an author that has truly had a major impact on me), speaks of the pain body. I am a huge believer in the pain body. In my opinion, it is real, and it was taking hold of me at 32,000 feet. I felt out of control, weak, doomed, as if I had failed…..and then I remembered…I have tools for this! So I pulled out all the stops.

I prayed, I journaled, I sat with the emotional pain and observed (I did not resist it), I listened to music, listened to my heart, I felt the support of my seat around me…..and prayed some more. When I landed, I went straight to a yoga class and hung out with my soul soothing best friend.

I am sharing this raw experience with you simply because if God can use me to help ANYONE in this world to experience less pain, than I have, that will be enough for me. Here are some suggestions when you feel yourself spinning out of control…

-Stop and notice your thoughts….but don’t necessarily believe them. “I am doomed to fail,” does not have to be a true statement

-Be real with what you can and cannot deal with. If you love to gamble, stay away from Sin City. If you have a problem with infidelity- don’t go to the bars alone.

-It is OK to be weak sometimes (this one is tough for me) I feel many look to me to be strong, but we are all human and being vulnerable, especially with a voice – results in a disempowered pain body. When weak, just make sure you have tools to help during those times. WHEN WEAK, ASK FOR HELP.

– Remember that there will be consequences for your decisions. It is tough to think about when temptation takes hold…..but remember there always is.

– GET TOOLS to cope (I or anyone at Freedom Personal Development can help with this)

I would not know the light if I didn’t know the darkness. I sure wouldn’t have the strength and beauty in my life today if I didn’t fully experience the emptiness and darkness of my life when alcohol destroyed my soul and potential.

Every pain is an opportunity for growth. So as I shed tears at 32,000 feet while writing this, I found a sincere gratitude for the next present of recognized beauty within my personal growth.

I have since identified and eliminated situations and thought patterns that contributed to my wearing thin will in the previous weeks. Thank you God for the strength, I have no doubt that I was receiving a hand from a higher power.

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